Of course things have to suck now.
Why can't it be August already? Why can't the awkwardness just end?
Why can't it be December? I want to see my friends, my family.

I want my own place, with my own room, without responsibilities, not having to tolerate 6 months of finacial...exploitation to keep a friendship (or so I thought).

Thinking too much now. Everything that I have is a lie. BIG FAT LIE.
LIES. SUCH LIES.

I wish there was someone truly decent, a kind soul,good heart with the best intentions, someone who would protect me from fuckers,or from myself.
I am so tired of trying to get over past events.
Everyone says shit happens and we move forward, bs bs.
I can't. I need time to explode. I don't want to seem calm for the sake of everyone else, I want to explode and just vomit on a newborn baby bunny(hahaha).

I wish I had a real family. Maybe then I would be better adjusted.
No Jess, all you need is yourself. Everyone ends up alone in the end.
Amen.

I game, my favourite authors are most likely depressed, I enjoy music such of Bon Iver, Brian Eno and Interpol.
I hate passive aggression, arrogant people who have no reasons whatsoever to that way people's selfishness, I don't like humanity in general.
Stealing things you can afford is just wrong.
Am constantly lost, self hate and disgust is still self obsessing.
Eggplants and enoki mushrooms are numero uno.
Douglas Coupeland was my life.
I wanted to be an astrophycisist,archaeologist or an illustrator.
I hate house music, the clubbing scene and everything that it stands for.

I no longer see why I have to be one dimensional to make other people feel less awkward.
It's frustrating to be surrounded with people who are not in the same wavelength as you are, I'm sure they feel the same about me too.

Looking back, I see how much my friends have protected me.
Protected me from people who wanted to take an advantage of my weaknesses, in money matters, or my incapability to say NO.
I thank you all.

If I chose to stagnate and ignore how the world works, I would have been saved.
But shit happens all the time, all you can do is reminisce,be nostalgic and move on with life.
Thinking of the good times, the happy times, with no effort at all did they accept me for who I am despite the differences.

Am so lucky to have met you all, my babies,my boys,my girls.
Physically apart by 3 continents, work,school,families will get in the way.
But there are fond memories :')


I am no longer going to try and change the core me to please people.
I can't change,people don't change.


Stealing what you can afford is wrong, so is financially ripping off a friend who genuinely wants to help you.
If we can't agree on such fundemental terms, there is no point in keeping these relationships.

Impromptu blogging. I feel terrible.
Mom's been acting weird lately. Too emotional, actually sent me money to buy food which is... Impossible if you know her.
She spoke to me about death, about how she wanted the best for me when I was still 3 weeks old.
Only ate fish, soy and gave me the most expensive milk when I was a toddler.
She was so far from being well-off then.

Jesus fucking christ I don't know what's going on.

Went back home.
Got heatstroke that led to high blood pressure that led to the extraocular muscles to spazz.
Roadtrips with the boys.
Got flu and fever.
Completed Cryptic 2 and Amnesia:TDD (BOOYEAH) despite working 8 hour shifts daily.
Slipped and fell.
Olivia and Alison :)
Ran into a table.

Been bumming so much these days and had really good times with the babies.
Finally saved up enough $$ to rent a studio apartment that I've been eyeing for quite a while.
Thank you Fox Studios (to Mr.Fava, specifically) for hiring me again.
Would probably be moving out by June-July.
I guess everything is going perfectly.

Glasgow, I shall see you in 4 days.
I will miss my babies. So.So much.

I think people misunderstand. They think I'm defensive. Self-deprecating yes but I have valid reasons for that.
Of course, the argument that self-deprecation is the ultimate defense.
I understand the misunderstanding but I have to explain.

You feel terrible for dumping your trivial problems on someone you love,but you think out loud, realizes that it makes the other person feel awkward thus you try to make things a little better by turning the subject to yourself.

Similar to drunken nights.
You can feel the vomit in your mouth, you realise people are around and they KNOW what's going on, so you swallow that shit and vomit somewhere else, letting your friends party without worrying.

But by assuming that other people's feelings are my responsibility, logic dictates that I think I'm in charge of everything, thus making me an arrogant bitch.

AND BY SAYING THESE THINGS I AM TRYING TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM LOOKING BAD.
AND BY ADMITTING THIS IT LESSENS THE GUILT.

AND THUS, I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON.
AND THUS, I AM SELF-PITYING.
AND THUS IT IS DISGUSTING.


WHAT THE FUCK JESS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE.
...
Yeah. Very attractive.

It's been a month (or more) but I can't stop seeing you everywhere.
Bloody hell, hormones.

FOR NATE:


Yes I has gained weight:(
Will lose them after...2 bars of Galaxy Cookie Crumble chocolate.

I wish I could do something to make things better.
Please.
Sorry doesn't cover it.
Someone tell me what to do.

It's the end of a terrible, terrible week.
ST PADDY'S DAY BETTER BE GOOD.